Special Needs

It figures that I only seek catharsis on the verge of a total breakdown. I can feel it trembling inside me, threatening me. I remember long ago when I foolishly used to push that presence aside; back then it was a flutter of wings, nothing more.

Now, I know better.

Time and pressure have morphed it into an earthquake. Sometimes, when I'm lucky, it takes the form of an anxiety attack. It begins with chest constriction and trembling hands and ends with a frantic phone call, or worse, me running or hiding in fear, thinking that finally my father will make good on his word and come and kill me.

As much as that frightens me, it is the other option, depression, that is far more terrifying. It possesses me slowly. Thoughts start to dim and my brain turns to sludge. My extremities leaden, then eventually start to ache. Few things bring joy. Many things bring tears, and for me, tears usually bring the dark thoughts. Luckily, this time around all I feel is a pervading numbness. Nothing is interesting. I cannot cry. Personally, I don't know whether I should be joyous or sad at the moment.

After six months of searching, my fiance finally has a job. My cat has been missing for a week. I haven't been to college in over a year. I'm obese. I have bad acne. I've been suffering from an allergic rash from something in my mother's house for over a month. I might be getting medical insurance for the first time in my life. Some of my relatives have been pestering my mother and me to take my abusive father off of life support. They expect me to give a damn. I am unable to work on my fiction. I was finally able to afford to see a psychiatrist and against his advice I am going back on Symbyax...the last time I was on medication was in November. It is hot as hell in Florida. I do nothing except work, sleep and sit in front of my computer listening to the same 73 songs over and over again.

I want to get my life back on track. I want to start exercising. I want to finish my degree. I want a better job. I want to be healthy and lead some semblance of a normal life.